roses

Bali was a good reminder that the only kind of blues that you should be letting into your life are beach blues.

Today, I almost couldn't pull myself out of bed #whatsnew because it felt too physically and mentally exhausting to wake up and do Life. My shoulders breaking and my limbs sore (must've been the water rafting) from the trip, but above all, my mind and heart heavy from that imprint of you and your better half in my head. Bali kept the wild thoughts at bay for awhile but this morning, I still struggled to swallow the bitter pill. 

You checked all the boxes, and even if you didn't, it didn't really mattered. You made me rethink my ideals/standards, and for you I'd make every and any exception. If I had to do it all over again, I'd pick you in a heartbeat, and perhaps milliseconds earlier. You were a big part of what I wanted, and now what I need to go looking for, less the angst, goodbye and heartbreak. 

And it's time I kill off this character (don't worry, just figuratively) but I'll do away with the thanks and well wishes the way dismal lovers like to do. Because as much as the ray of sunshine that you've been, you were also a hell of a heartbreak and there's really nothing much to thank about that. I only wish the best for myself to recover and if that ever happens, I only have myself to thank #reasonswhyimsingle 

every bit worthy

I love how this message makes me seem like the protagonist in a Disney/Pixar movie who doesn't discover her full potential until the movie climax. But jokes aside, it actually made me teared a lil on the way to work today. #emotionalmonster (I really need to man up.) It was a much-needed encouragement, in the face of all the cynicism behind smiling faces. A pat-on-the-back suggesting that in navigating this winding path called Career in my Twenties, I might've done something right along the way. Or maybe I just struck gold, in the form of people who are constantly watching out for me and believing in me, even when I don't trust myself. A nurturing mentor, supportive friend or a great example (of a person in general lol), I am lucky to have met you :)

I would really hate to disappoint, and of course I don't intend to. But sometimes the hardest part of the journey is to reassure yourself that you are worthy of the trip, and I know better how much self-assurance I can spare. Me and myself, we need to stop having those dialogues and (likely over-analysed) thoughts about the opportunities that slipped right out of my fingers / the excess weight that's always there / the texts that never came (and the excess weight is still there) / the things that they said, and how all these go into defining one's value and self-worth. Life starts when you get out of your own head and maybe it's really time to start living.

The last time I felt this way was probably when I was deciding on whether to pursue Soci or Econs LOL. That seemed like the most life-changing decision at 20, only to reveal itself as a speck of dust in a Virgo's galaxy of decisions/worries when she's 25. No wonder people miss school. Soci was a great decision though, and I hope that my stronger, undefeated 27/28 yr old self could come by and laugh at how I was being a stupid, overreactive fuck about putting myself out there at 25.

1am reminders

Amidst these times of craziness and fleeting connections, I thought of you. It brought me back to the moment of realization that this world was huge and there was so much I've yet to discover. And how insignificant these events/people would eventually become in the grander scheme of things. I was reminded of what I deserved; as a friend/lover/co-worker/basically as a person. There was simply no excuse for anything less. And to love myself is to not cave in and live by someone else's terms.

On a completely irrelevant note, Melbourne has been such a dream. The first greeting I got upon touching down ('What's up, love?' by an elderly man who works at the airport) transported me to Tumblr city LOL. And I'm penning it down here because I want to always remember this feeling #lolwtf. What I wouldn't give to wake up to Prahran instead of Pandan Loop *inserts coarse language* again.