checkchocolate*

some things you can't sugarcoat

Hate to be such a whiner/loser but really, 2012 has been such a downer up to this point. Guess I'm still very much in the holiday mood and the way I'm procrastinating stuff scares me. Not helping that with cny and fortnightly tutorials, I have somehow, in the planning of my timetable, managed to 'postpone' the start of all tutorials #likeaboss. Haven't attended a single class yet and I sure hope that my first would help usher in the studying momentum/evoke some sense of urgency in yours truly.

Might be too early to conclude but I'm already having second thoughts about what I'm studying/pursuing. Not because I do not like or enjoy what I'm doing but out of fear that I may not be good enough to do it. And I get the feeling that I'll never be good enough. ;( Damn right, I'm demoralized and insecure. Sure I understand that one isn't born and doesn't have to be an expert, and that we learn the ropes as we go along. After all, that's what school is about, isn't it? What purpose would lectures and tutorials serve if I was already perfectly good at what I am learning? But still I'm afraid that I may need to learn everything from scratch and I don't have the time to. I'm afraid one has to be of a certain calibre to be able to grasp everything but I'm only capable of so much it's never going to be enough. I have all the hardwork that I can give but I'm afraid I'm gonna need more than that. Told you i'm a fucking humji. Then again, maybe I deserved it for not holding true to my promise to keep up with the readings (LOLLL). Only have myself to blame for letting things spiral into the sick vicious cycle of worrying but procrastinating, and then worrying more again. 

On the other hand, the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. People complain/whine about their current situations and wish for change only to realize what they had before wasn't so bad after all. And I know better. Would love to call it a blessing in disguise that I am not a nerd who feels handicapped just cos of academic stuffs; but sad to say, it means I have more issues other than school to weigh me down. I guess I made the same mistake of forgetting to cherish what I had, again. Been discontented with the way things were and now I'm starting to realize how the worse feels like. Might've been a tad too selfish and self-centered; forever thinking of how I can't settle for less but never bothering to give (in) more. And I guess that boils down to why I'm never good enough in the first place. I want to be able to say I'm okay like I've lost a friend before and it's no big deal. But we've all been there before and it's not okay for God's sake. This isn't the first time such shit happened (alright, proof that maybe it really is my bad) and I don't know how to feel anymore.

And it makes me want to cry just thinking that the bestie's leaving for Aussie real soon. This means one less (dumb) person by my side who'd take all my nonsense seriously. ;( I feel like an 80-yr old trapped in the body of a 20-yr old with all these worries/insecurities (maybe 80-yr olds don't even have this much insecurities)/heavy thoughts. Physically too - backaches, shoulder aches, and coughing like nobody's business. Excuse me while I wallow in self-pity and figure a way to pick myself up ASAP.