Delayed post: Tues Blues

Woke up to Kodaline this morning and felt like someone has been hitting my heart repeatedly with a bat while I was asleep. Don't get me wrong, I love Kodaline and I guess only good musicians have the ability to wake you up with a heartache. Good musicians, and bottled-up emotions. That's all it takes to make you (or at least me) wanna spend a day locked up in the bedroom, just leaving the waterworks on.

I did not do that though. (Partly because I have a sliding door which could not be locked #lolfail plus the fatties would probably engage the bomoh below my block if I started wailing in my room) But it's one of those Tuesdays I wake up feeling like a train wreck because I find myself in the middle of nowhere, needing answers I can't find. And guesswork sucks. It leaves you with self-doubt, insecurity, disappointment - all the bad vibes, all but the answers you seek. Then don't seek, and don't guess, they say. It's often easy to say when you're looking from afar and I commit the same mistake of advising others to Let It Go~ Let It Go~ too. But truth is, if you can let go, give up or shove something over the back of your head just like that, you probably don't want it bad enough. Because if you want it enough, it will take up your entire being. It will become everything - the seconds that tick by, the reason that ball of saliva is struggling to go down your unexplainably dry and constricted throat (lol #descriptionfail), the beep of a mobile device. 

You're gonna tell yourself that you have it so well-tucked in the deepest recesses of your mind that you're probably not going to notice it unless you look hard enough. And you're good to go. But you never get far because there is caution in each of those big steps you pretend to take, fearing that one mistake would cost your place in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Model LOL all you ever wanted. And it breaks you. The slightest realization of the possibility that you might not get what you want or how it might be better in someone else's hands, breaks you because you want it so bad you can't bear the thought of things turning out a different way, for better or for worse. An alternate ending means it isn't the ending you hoped for and if it isn't what you hoped for, it's not a good ending. #virgomindset #fuckedupmentality

And I swear I would never laugh at the contestants of ANTM (or any competition) for their 'I want this so bad' breakdowns ever again. Had a mini episode myself this afternoon and it's just not funny. You really got to give it to those girls for just putting themselves out there like there's no other option (much as how it might be just another narrative, I'm currently saying this in the perspective of a very sad human being whose sociological imagination has been clouded by my sudden downpour of emotions for the time being). And me? I have options (or at least I think so?) - good ones, bad ones. But then there are the ones you can't get over. The ones you mistake for gold and try so hard only to see them come to naught. #seriously And Virgos, we tend to beat ourselves up real badly when we try too hard and I guess that's why we get train wreck Tuesdays. It is the aftermath.

"If a train doesn't stops at your station, then it's not your train." Coincidentally (or not), I saw this on my insta feed. Fair enough, and perhaps a good reminder. I still have so much to learn. But I will try to learn fast, and learn well.